Death Whispers to Me.

Around this time last night, I contemplated walking out on my job. It wasn't because of the hours or no weekends off. As a matter of fact, the reason wasn't related to my job at all. My friend was mugged at gunpoint last night. It was on 38th street in Union City, New Jersey. Blocks from where I live. Thankfully, my Whisper is fine and unharmed. She is resilient. She's as tough as she is beautiful; vibrant and audacious in a small package. Nevertheless, size does matter in nature and the fact that the asshole who accosted her did so at the business end of a firearm led me to see her in a completely different light. She's also fragile and lithe. Innocent, even. (She'd kill me if she heard me use the word "innocent" when referring to her.) Last night, I don't care how carefree and independent she sees herself, I was overcome with an insatiable need to protect her. I needed her safe in my arms. I never realized how much I loved her until I the possibility of losing her presented itself.

She's not my girlfriend nor are we romantically involved. However, I don't need her to be for me to love her the way I do. She's just...a source of sunlight for me. She's that breath of fresh air that my lungs crave when I'm a few feet underwater racing for the surface. Last night, I almost plunged into darkness. Last night, I almost drowned. Were it not for her insisting I stay at work, I would not have. Regardless of that though, I could not resist the urge to pass by the friend's house she was staying at until morning whilst on my lunch break. Personally, I think she should've gone to the police then and there but she was still shaking and didn't want to even look at the sidewalk so we waited until morning.

I told that story so I could tell this one. A decade ago, I vowed never to pick up a gun nor put my finger on a trigger unless absolutely necessary. I fear that necessity has made up my mind for me absolutely. This town, nay, the whole of Hudson county is becoming a dangerous place to live. People are packing the proverbial "heat" and ordinary, law abiding citizens are walking amongst packs of wolves with nothing to defend themselves. The law of the land says that you aren't allowed to carry a firearm but that doesn't stop the criminals. What do we do when we are faced with such an adversary and there is no one to serve and protect us? What do I do? I don't know. All I do know is that, last night, I wanted to hurt and/or kill. I haven't had that wanton desire for destruction build up in me for a very long time. Luckily, I kept my anger in check long enough to start to focus on what matters.

I have to remember another vow that I have already broken. I had promised myself that, even though I wasn't going to reenlist into the Marine Corps, I would remain ready, both mentally and physically to not only defend my country but also my family. But one glance at me will tell you that I'm a fat, out of shape mess. I've gotten sloppy. That is unacceptable. I have to get back on the ball. I have to focus on what matters the most and use them all as my motivation. I have to better myself physically, mentally and even financially, for those whom I love so much.

It's funny. I prayed to God awhile back for some motivation. I asked for something to inspire ambition in me. I really do have to start being careful what I wish for but God really does work in mysterious ways, I guess. Maybe I should have asked for this sooner. Maybe I should also start telling those that I love how much I do love them. If nothing else, Whisper's little ordeal last night reminded me of the one thing no one should ever forget: Tomorrow is never guaranteed.

Hmmm...

Speaking of which, maybe I should tell my little Whisper all of this tomorrow. Then again, she already knows this, doesn't she? I mean, why else was I the first person she called last night?