Adulting

I'm a few hours away from my 38th birthday. Doing the math, that means that I should have, on paper, at least, two decades of adult experience under my belt. By now, even if I don't know what I'm doing or what direction to go in, I should have a general idea on where to go and how to fix my problems. That couldn't be further from the truth. I'm going to be 38 years old and all I'm full of bullshit, beer and bad decisions.

My sister has two kids, one a teenager and one toddler and she's raising them on her own, technically, because her man is a truck driver. My best friends, acquaintances and even fuck ups I know somehow seem to be managing. All the while, here I am, I can't even balance my checkbook or budget my bills. I don't even have an apartment anymore or any ambition to get out their and achieve my goals and dreams. Hell! I'm not sure I have any anymore. 

I remember thinking as a kid that I couldn't wait to grow up. I'd have my life together. A career and a family; I would be living a life full of happiness. That couldn't be further from the truth. To be honest, and I will be because it's my blog, I don't know why I'm even alive anymore. Don't read that as a cry for help. I have suicidal thoughts sometimes but never suicidal tendencies. Still, I remember having purpose in life. I remember the feeling of mattering to someone or to a cause or belief. I seldom feel that way anymore. I blame that on my life. Well, let me rephrase: I blame that on the fact that I stopped living. When I did this, I cannot recall but I remember a time when I explored and wrote in my journal everyday. I remember the importance of social gatherings and celebrating milestones; I reminisce of a time when I loved and longed for someone to love me. While these things are still important to me, they seem...trivial now.

I feel like I need to start over. Perhaps retracing my steps will reveal something I missed. How many times, though, can one go back to the drawing board? After all, I'm not getting any younger. I guess there's only one way to find out.