Channeling the Magic

Image of humanoid figure sitting in lotus pose, facing away, looking out at
earth, moon and stars, engulfed in a clear sphere, illuminated chakra lines on its
back, hands in front of chest holding a glowing Earth and Moon of energy.

The magic is gone. I can see that now as plain as day. I’ve known it for a couple of years now and have done nothing to try and change my current state. Lethargy and procrastination can be powerful opiates. They seep into the very fiber of your being and do something far worse than sap your motivation to be better. Instead, they convince you to not only accept the state of things but also that you are better off in this downtrodden, weakened state. Given enough time you begin to believe you are happy with the quagmire your life has become. Life, for me, used to be so full of wonder and mystery. I woke up everyday ready to explore the world and learn new things. I had hope for the future and it was bright…but the magic is gone. I know not where it went nor do I care.

...or so I thought.

Lately, I have been putting the pieces back together on my soul. I've discovered that my love for writing is still as strong as it ever was so my beautiful BFF (Rabbit) suggested that I start writing my blog again. It's been forever since I took it seriously. While I initially intended this blog to be chaotic and have no real beginning or end, there was, for the most part, a certain order and rhythm to it. At first I didn't know what I was gonna write about but then I remembered the advice that I have obtained from damn near every writer I've ever come across. It's an old Mark Twain quote. You know it. I know you do.

"Write what you know."

This is what I know thus far. When I woke up on my 40th birthday this past September, the very first thought on my mind, one I voiced aloud as a matter of fact was: "Why am I still alive?"  People think I jest when I say that I never planned on living past forty years of age but I truly did not expect to live this long. I still don't. As far as I'm concerned, this is overtime; this is extra stoppage time in a soccer game or the 30 extra seconds on the microwave that you add to see if you can't just pop a few more flop corn seeds.

Now, I don't want you to think I'm suicidal. I can already see a few of you reading this and calling a shit ton of suicide hotlines and planning an intervention. Please don't. I'm okay. The truth is that it's not that I wanted to kill myself. I just didn’t want to live anymore. Big difference!

Image of me wearing a Met's cap looking back at camera with
Fenway Park in the background.

I needed to find myself so I did the one thing that I had been putting off up until that time. I hit the road. I rented a car and went on the most improvised road trip I had ever been on. I decided to head north up to Maine. I went to visit a friend who was going through some hard times. It's what friend's do, no? I was planning on going to do that one last act of kindness and then...well. I just wasn't planning on coming back home. That is how I had said it in my head. I was just going to go out into the wilderness and stay there; "just keep walking until nature takes you back," I told myself. That was it. That was the plan so off I went. 

Image of me with Fenway Park's "Green Monster" leftfield wall in the
background over my right shoulder.

With only a gallon of water, a few monster energy drinks and the most minimal of other provisions, I headed out on I-95 northbound. As I crossed into Connecticut though, I truly began to improvise and programmed my GPS to avoid highways and tolls. I mean, just because I had oblivion in mind doesn’t mean that I had to defeat the very purpose of a road trip. To drive on unknown roads and seeing where they lead with childlike awe and wonder is the epitome of discovery and exploration. Halfway on my trip, another close friend (Missy) reached out and reminded me she was in Boston on a business trip. However, once she wrapped that up, she planned on catching a ball game at Fenway and she all but insisted I go with her to one. It's not every day one gets to watch a Mets away game at an iconic ballpark so, as a gift to myself for making it to the milestone age of 40, I altered course and headed to Boston.

I didn't know it at the time but this was when I would later realize that God (the Universe, etc., whether you believe in Him or not) sent my friends instead of angels to come to my rescue. Exploring new places with people I knew and trusted and meeting new people on my travels was just the spark I needed to restore my vigor and zest for life. That is one of if not the chief reasons I joined the Marine Corps in the first place. I didn't want to say that I lived and died in one place having had an entire world to explore.

The trip gave me a focus and clarity that I had not had in quite a long time. I used to be so sure of myself. I dreamt outlandish, incredible dreams that would make anyone who heard me tell them aloud think me a madman. And then, somewhere along the road I was travelling, the dreams died off. They lost their luster and sparkled less and less. Seeing that baseball game and the trip to the Sam Adams Brewery prior to that was an amazing experience that I don't think I would've enjoyed had it not been for Missy being there at that time. Incidentally, that brewery tour almost ended my life then and there via alcohol poisoning so talk about a problem solving itself but I digress.


After we parted ways, I continued north and while I was given that necessary spark to live, I had not yet realized it and I was hell bent on seeing my demise through to it's bitter end. I figured I was on the right track given that as soon as I got to Twin Mountain, New Hampshire, my GPS and basically my entire cell phone carrier service completely crapped out. I was now going old school road trip. Land signs and fold out maps. Anyone else would've panicked but given my initial endgame and the fact that I wanted to get properly lost in the first place...I just turned up the volume on the Metallica song playing on the radio.

***

I hadn't planned exactly where I was going to "go back to nature" but seeing all the hiking trails on Twin Mountain, I thought that would be the ideal spot to park the car and go on foot. However, on my way back south on U.S. Highway 2 crossing into New Hampshire again from Maine and still without a lick of cellular service, I was driving down that particular road just a few minutes before sundown and I had what many in the religious community would refer to as an epiphany. It was purely magical moment. All I could think of was my Whisper.

Whisper is one of my closest friends whom I had a brief yet poignant relationship when she and I were younger. She is the one mentioned in the previous blog entry. The Fates were kind enough to throw us back together but cruel enough to just keep us as friends. That being said, I realized that I had feelings for her then and there. Feelings she could never reciprocate but that never stops me from feeling what I feel. It's a blessing and a curse at times. Nevertheless, I was immediately overwhelmed by a vision of her lovely countenance. It happened just as I was watching the sun set across the Androscoggin River and into the mountains beyond. Just like that. Not only did I not want to die. I wanted so very much to live.

And wouldn't you know it, no sooner did I take this picture, I got 100% reception back on my smartphone. I don't believe in coincidences so I immediately sent her a text just to profess what I know will sound cliche but it was, in fact, my undying love for this woman. Her reply wasn't important to this particular story. All I know is that I finally felt like I had a focus and a purpose again. Mind you, this newfound knowledge did not come without it's complications, for lack of a better term but it did save my life. She saved my life.

I'm being vague. I know. However, this blog isn't really for you. I just needed you to understand why, as you are still reading my words, why I'm still writing them. I believe in magic again. Her name is Whisper. Now, all I have to do is convince her that we're still magic together. How hard could that be?