I’m OK.

          The simple truth of it all is that I'm broken. I have been for quite some time. In all honesty, I firmly believe that everyone alive is broken in some way, shape or form. No one north of 30 years old can possibly be running at 100% physical, mental or spiritual effectiveness. We're all of us, holding our psyches together with some emotional duct tape or spiritual bubblegum. Had I come to this realization sooner, I wouldn't have worked so hard to try to change myself into something that I am not nor ever cared to become. Moreover, any changes I made, would've been made for someone worthy of them and of me and my time. Personally, I can't stand it when people tell me that the changes I make should be for myself. What they clearly misunderstand is that I love me the way I am now. I never need to change me no matter what downward spiral I find myself in; no matter how dangerous my habits and vices are, I'm always content with being me no matter if I'm a drunkard or a degenerate gentleman. Quiet and stoic in the corner of the room reading my book or loud, and obnoxious whilst drinking my whiskey or bourbon at the bar because my favorite team is either losing or winning on the screen. I don't need an excuse to be the me that I've become. I don't need to change that me because I'm content with who I am.

     We, all of us, change for others. Whether they be people we love or the twisted versions of the fiendish individuals we can no longer stand, they change us. Some for the better, most for the worst. Most of the time it's inadvertent. However, even when it is done intentionally, we're the ones that allow it. People change me all of the time. Recently, the one that altered me did so to the point that shook me to my very core and when the dust finally settled, I felt robbed of my joy and ambition as well as my heart.This change happened just under 3 years ago. Sadly, the one thing I wish I could change about myself is the speed in which I got over someone that broke my heart. Think what you will but where I lack speed in healing, I more than make up for in determination, tenacity and strength of will. My heart has been broken so many times that when I've rebuilt it, time and again, I've inadvertently enabled it to compartmentalize. So I can sit here writing this and say "Fuck that cunt" all the while listening to love songs as I write this blog entry and miss her presence in every aspect of my life. Weird, huh? It's like a strange, mutant ability or super power.

      I'm not sad about any of that anymore. Lonely sometimes, sure. Betrayed? Possibly. Abandoned? Definitely feel abandoned but no longer sad. Truth be told, I no longer feel anything. Neither love nor hate seem to stir my spirit. I find myself going through the motions with friends and family alike and act how they think I should act so as not to cause a scene or stir up any commotion. It's not their problem to fix, after all. I fix me. And that’s what I’m doing now. I’ve given up boozing and bar-hopping for the Lenten season and I’m going to use that time to give up cigarettes for good. I’m also going back to the gym and loving it again. I was never a big fan of Kanye West but I liked him better before Kim. I liked pre-Whisper Mannix better as well. That guy didn’t smoke, was healthy and actually had joy in his heart and hope for the future. He was an aspiring author as well. I owe it to myself to try and find him again. Maybe some of him survived but even if he didn’t, I know how to start from scratch.