At The Crossroads Yet Again

     What am I doing? I'm not happy at my job anymore and a new one has presented itself as if by the grace of the Almighty itself. Why then am I so apprehensive? Where is this fear coming from? I've been very vocal about my disappointment with this place. I've written quite a few journal entries about it as well. What the Hell is stopping me? More than that, my gut is telling me the fix is in. Corporate is setting us up to fail and our Union isn't helping out. One should always listen to their gut.

     That’s a not entirely true though, is it? I’ve felt this way before. Back in the Corps. When that realization hit that everyone of my leaders would be leaving and I would be called to attempt to fill their shoes, I panicked. I would be in charge and my decisions could cost people their lives. I decided long before my tour was up that I wanted to stay for another 4 years. Possibly for life. It’s something I lament upon to this day. I could’ve been retiring from the service now or had, long ago, died a noble death defending my country. Despite all the potential glory and prosperity ahead of me though, I chose to leave. For all my other reasons in returning to civilian life, fear of success was a contributing factor. 

     I hate that there’s a term for that. I hate that it’s a thing. I wish it was just a problem I had so I could just slap myself in the back of the head and power on through. However, I know of plenty of people and have read countless stories on the internet describing similar problems. “Achievemephobia,” I believe is what it has been dubbed in some circles. Fear of success. I don’t know if that is exactly what I feel but some parts of it are true. This new job is offering less pay and that’s always a worry. However, it offers flexible hours and focuses primarily on the work I’ve been trained to do. There aren’t any side billets I have to fill, unlike my current station. I’m certain new responsibilities will fall into place with the new job as well I’ll be compensated for it. Moreover, I am equal to the task. So, why then am I so worried? Is it that I’ve grown too comfortable working in one place for 18 years of my life? What if I get to the new place and it’s more demanding than I’m prepared for? That’s not fear of success. That’s good, old fashioned anxiety so I’m suffering mental anguish from both sides of the spectrum. 

     Others depend upon me as well. Isn’t it selfish of me to seek happiness at their expense? Or…do I have those wires on backwards? Regardless of what I think, my window of opportunity is closing. I’ll have to make a decision soon. I can’t look at it as a right or wrong thing though. I have to seek out my happiness and mental well-being from whatever decision I make. I pray that it will be the correct one but, then again, I have to remind myself that I wasn’t ever afraid about being dismissed from my current station a few months agobwhen I made an erroneous decision. I trusted God (or if that offends your sensibilities, The Universe) to see me through. It is no different now. 

Change is always so frightening. 

Change is always so thrilling!