Numb
You ever get to the point where you get numb to things? It's not that you don't care. You do. It's just that the passion is gone; the sheer impact that used to overwhelm the senses when you thought about the thing(s) you cared about suddenly don't have the same zeal. It's a strange thing. It's akin to muted thunder; you don't hear it so loudly but you still feel a thud in your chest. However, it's not the lung-imploding, seemingly organ-destroying BOOM that used to wreak havoc upon your equilibrium. Why is that? What made that happen?
For the life of me, I can't figure it out. I can't figure out why I sometimes feel, or should I say don't feel that way but what's worse...I could give a shit! Really! I don't care. Not even a little. It doesn't worry me anymore. This feeling may or may not ostricize me from other people and leave me a bitter old man living all alone and I am not worried about that in the slightest.
I'll tell you what does worry me though. Purpose. Or a lack thereof, I should say. I lack a purpose. Not a reason for living or existing. I don't need a sign from God to live and breath. I see life as a gift and so I cherish it and thank Him for it when I worship. No. I mean a reason, THE reason why I'm here. I never thought that I, a natural born servant, would ever question the reason for my existenance. Nevertheless, here I am. At the crossroad. One of many but this one is important. This one is key because I've felt I was on the cusp of something like this once before and that choice made me the way I am. Perhaps then, I'm on the road back; I may be back on the path to the land of the living. Then again, I may be walking further into darkness. Creeping closer and closer to the precipice of the Abyss yet still, I march. I dare not remain idle so onward I go, hoping I've made the right choice; hoping I'm on the path to "feeling" once again. And every step I take makes me shudder and quiver with the familiar touch of fear. I guess that's a good thing though. What is it Jonolan said about a man without fear? I guess I'm more hopeful than I ever dared to believe.
So here I am, walking the path. Hoping that with every new step I get closer to feeling. And sure enough, with every footfall, I'm beginning to hear an old, familiar sound. A cadence and rhythm I have not heard in such a long time that it almost seems foreign but also feels as familiar as a moment of déjà vu. My battle scarred heart beats beneath its chain mail and armor.
I'll tell you what does worry me though. Purpose. Or a lack thereof, I should say. I lack a purpose. Not a reason for living or existing. I don't need a sign from God to live and breath. I see life as a gift and so I cherish it and thank Him for it when I worship. No. I mean a reason, THE reason why I'm here. I never thought that I, a natural born servant, would ever question the reason for my existenance. Nevertheless, here I am. At the crossroad. One of many but this one is important. This one is key because I've felt I was on the cusp of something like this once before and that choice made me the way I am. Perhaps then, I'm on the road back; I may be back on the path to the land of the living. Then again, I may be walking further into darkness. Creeping closer and closer to the precipice of the Abyss yet still, I march. I dare not remain idle so onward I go, hoping I've made the right choice; hoping I'm on the path to "feeling" once again. And every step I take makes me shudder and quiver with the familiar touch of fear. I guess that's a good thing though. What is it Jonolan said about a man without fear? I guess I'm more hopeful than I ever dared to believe.
So here I am, walking the path. Hoping that with every new step I get closer to feeling. And sure enough, with every footfall, I'm beginning to hear an old, familiar sound. A cadence and rhythm I have not heard in such a long time that it almost seems foreign but also feels as familiar as a moment of déjà vu. My battle scarred heart beats beneath its chain mail and armor.
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