Solace

These past couple of days have been spent in quiet reflection. Much needed solitude. My mind gets cluttered easily and I sometimes need a vacation...well, from myself. Family too. They can sometimes, inadvertently, cause me more stress than my job does. So, when they all decided to go on vacation to warmer climates, it was as if I too was being allowed a welcome respite from my daily routine. It was marvelous. Everyday these past two weeks has been a sort of walking meditation for me. I have been quietly reflecting on my life and how I got here; I've pondered upon the paths that I've taken and could have taken but I've done so without getting caught up in them as I always do. Left to my own devices, I can sometimes drown myself in a sea of regret and, while I am overdosing on that potent drug known as self-loathing, get stuck in that mental quicksand. Needless to say, it takes me awhile to get out of it when I do.

This time alone has been good for me but I've always been good at wanting what I don't and can't have. I love my family and friends and I truly do thrive on being a servant to all. In their absence, I have found it difficult to fill in the hours. That's a character flaw I kept from my time in my beloved Marine Corps so long ago. I'm always waiting around to follow an order instead of making my own rules and forging my own path. 

I loved my quiet time alone and I really did need it. However, it pointed out the obvious. Give me problems; give me work. I am a servant in search of a better master than myself.