Savior Complex

Altrusim (noun): the belief in or practice of disinterested and selfless concern for the well being of others.

Image of a Templar Knight down on one knee, praying
with his right hand on the hilt of his sword.

As a boy, I was always taught that living life in service of others was tantamount to serving God Himself. To live a life full of faith, piety and altruistic value was the goal of any man who would call himself a good man. I still firmly believe this to be true today. However, in this day and age, sometimes "good" isn't good enough. I'm not saying I'm going all "dark side of the force," evil and beginning a life of crime and debauchery. Well, definitely not a life of crime or anything nefarious at least. However, I'm going to have to teach myself how to be a little bit more selfish; I have start learning how to live life for me.

That isn't easy for me. When I'm asked for help and I have the power in me to do so, I help. Oftentimes, it is more reactionary than anything else. Even if the person(s) asking for help have let me down in the past or have a history of abusing my generosity and selflessness, I help. I’m of a mind to see that, when someone who only thinks of me when they’re in the darkest moments of their life, I am their shining light. Conversely, when I'm in over my head and I need assistance of any kind, I hesitate. Even though I know full well that I can call in dozens of markers from people that I have done favors for over the years, I am reluctant to do so. I don't want to suggest that I see asking for help as a sign of weakness given that, when I help others, I remind them that everyone needs help from time to time. What it boils down to is that I always want to see if I can do it myself; I almost always ask myself: "Are you equal to the task?"

I'm asking myself that now. Too long have I put the needs of others before my own. Too often have I overlooked my own desires to fulfill someone else's fantasy or satisfy yet another's appetites. I have lived a life without ambitions and I have learned to love it. I need to change and I need to make this change for me. The prospect of doing so, however, fills me with both fervor and dread. Living an altruistic lifestyle genuinely fills me with joy. I love doing for others whether they can reciprocate that kindness or not. How then do I change my life without losing those key components that make up the best parts of me?

That is the question that weighs heavily upon my heart. I do not yet know the answer but I do know this:

I AM EQUAL TO THE TASK!