Smoker
So I’m a smoker again. Just like that. Five plus years of me having quit and it ended in a fraction of the time. While it has been years since I’ve purchased a pack, for the first time in a long time, the temptation to do so was there; IS there. The craving is alive and palpable within me. This is the end result of that four day bender a few weeks back. You don't just go back to your old vices for a day like you are visiting grandma or something. If you dip a pinkie back in that pond, something reaches out and drags you back down to the murky depths of bliss and misery.
Can I be honest though? It feels so GOOD! Vices are always that way though. Furthermore, it's even better now that it's a conscious, adult choice. There wasn't any peer pressure this time like there was back in high school. I picked up that cigarette out of (mostly) sound mind and absolute frustration with my life and the pathetic choices I've made in pursuit of a happiness I'm either unable or unworthy of obtaining. I bummed a smoke off of someone that looked like they were having a worse day than I was at a random bar in Brooklyn and it felt wonderful. It did! I won't lie. Nicotine doesn't take long to dig into one's central nervous system and convince the body that it has always needed it to function and always will. It's a quick fix and a cheat, I know. I'm well aware that as I continue smoking, my body will need more and more nicotine just to balance that euphoria out and that will eventually lead me back down into the abyss. Moreover, at my age, I'm risking my life taking up a bad habit like this again.
I'm riding the razor's edge contemplating on all the other lovely vices that used to hold me together both physically and emotionally. The outlook isn't as bleak as it seems though. This is not the first time I've been back to this particular precipice. Truth be told, I come back here often or, at least, I used to. The best way to see how far you've come or grown past your iniquities and debaucheries is to see how long it takes you to return to your old ways once adversary is faced head on and the rigors of combat and the scars of war take their toll. Despite countless setbacks on my goals and numerous temptations to take the "easy road," I've persevered without using my vices as a crutch for over five years now. Five long years I've been away from brink with nary a thought on returning. That, in and of itself, is something to be proud of. I'm not afraid of coming back here anymore. I'm not afraid to look over the edge. I know that there is nothing for me there and I know that, long and arduous as it may be, I can leave here and find the path to righteousness that I was on once again.
Still, the itch is always there begging to be scratched, isn't it? More often than not, all of us are trapped in between, "I want to be a better me tomorrow" and "you only live once." Death will come for us all. It's just part of the journey. If that's the case, we should go doing the things that bring us joy, no? The trick then is to make sure those things don't kill us off prematurely. Finding a happy medium has always been a struggle. However, being away from my vices for so long has opened my eyes to a plethora of worthwhile enterprises. What then, brought me back here? What sweet little lies did the Devil whisper into my ears that made me lose sight of my mark? That's my new goal now. Figuring that out means that I'll never have to return here again. Until that time though, SMOKE 'EM IF YOU GOT 'EM!
Can I be honest though? It feels so GOOD! Vices are always that way though. Furthermore, it's even better now that it's a conscious, adult choice. There wasn't any peer pressure this time like there was back in high school. I picked up that cigarette out of (mostly) sound mind and absolute frustration with my life and the pathetic choices I've made in pursuit of a happiness I'm either unable or unworthy of obtaining. I bummed a smoke off of someone that looked like they were having a worse day than I was at a random bar in Brooklyn and it felt wonderful. It did! I won't lie. Nicotine doesn't take long to dig into one's central nervous system and convince the body that it has always needed it to function and always will. It's a quick fix and a cheat, I know. I'm well aware that as I continue smoking, my body will need more and more nicotine just to balance that euphoria out and that will eventually lead me back down into the abyss. Moreover, at my age, I'm risking my life taking up a bad habit like this again.
I'm riding the razor's edge contemplating on all the other lovely vices that used to hold me together both physically and emotionally. The outlook isn't as bleak as it seems though. This is not the first time I've been back to this particular precipice. Truth be told, I come back here often or, at least, I used to. The best way to see how far you've come or grown past your iniquities and debaucheries is to see how long it takes you to return to your old ways once adversary is faced head on and the rigors of combat and the scars of war take their toll. Despite countless setbacks on my goals and numerous temptations to take the "easy road," I've persevered without using my vices as a crutch for over five years now. Five long years I've been away from brink with nary a thought on returning. That, in and of itself, is something to be proud of. I'm not afraid of coming back here anymore. I'm not afraid to look over the edge. I know that there is nothing for me there and I know that, long and arduous as it may be, I can leave here and find the path to righteousness that I was on once again.
Still, the itch is always there begging to be scratched, isn't it? More often than not, all of us are trapped in between, "I want to be a better me tomorrow" and "you only live once." Death will come for us all. It's just part of the journey. If that's the case, we should go doing the things that bring us joy, no? The trick then is to make sure those things don't kill us off prematurely. Finding a happy medium has always been a struggle. However, being away from my vices for so long has opened my eyes to a plethora of worthwhile enterprises. What then, brought me back here? What sweet little lies did the Devil whisper into my ears that made me lose sight of my mark? That's my new goal now. Figuring that out means that I'll never have to return here again. Until that time though, SMOKE 'EM IF YOU GOT 'EM!
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