Pro-Greed

I hate it when I tell myself that I'm going to be responsible and cut back on the drinking and partying and then I turn right around and go ape-shit at a bar. That's exactly what I did last weekend. Instead of just spending the the $30-$40 I initially planned on spending, I burned through a $100 faster than a fat guy on a buffet line. On top of that, someone stole my jacket and, to give an example of just how bad my luck is, my jacket was stolen on the day that it decided to F'N snow! (SIGH) I had a blast though, don't get me wrong but I really shouldn't have gone so overboard. Still, I think it was necessary. Sometimes, you're wound up so tight, you need some YOU time. Otherwise, something inside you is gonna burst. Regardless of that, I'm now back at work wondering, what the hell I was thinking. I'm not working a job with a ridiculous salary. I'm making $16/Hour and I'm barely getting by. (Bad budgeting on my part, I know.) What sucks is that most times, I don't care. I don't care that I'm barely getting by and living paycheck to paycheck; hand to mouth, day in and day out. It sucks even more when, like today, I have a rare moment of clarity and start wanting more for myself. I start wanting to be greedy. The feeling never lasts for me, mind you. I'm a giver. I take great joy in giving of myself to others. However, that greed thing is necessary for success. Dare I say, it's a prerequisite.

I don't have that motivation or drive that most others do to acquire wealth or live in a well-to-do home and drive a fancy car. I don't think I've ever had that gene in my body. On the contrary, I think my body produces...whatever the hell is the direct opposite of that chemical. It's only moments like now that I realize that; these little moments of clarity, if you will. Sadly though, these moments are fleeting. Tomorrow, I'll most likely fall back into my routine of helping others and putting their needs before mine. That's not a bad thing. It's a good thing. Sometimes I want more though. Right now, I want to be greedy. I want to hold on to that feeling.